The Power of Love: An insight into Attachment Theory
The Power of Love: An insight into Attachment Theory
Lucy Burns, Forensic Psychologist in Training
As a child, were you comforted when you cried? Were you provided food when you were hungry? Were you soothed when you were distressed? Was there someone there you could count on?
Without realising, our early experiences shape who we are as people today.
According to attachment theory, our relationships with our parents or primary caregivers impact many aspects of childhood and adulthood development; our view of ourselves; how we connect, relate and respond to others, as well as how we act in wider society as adults.
Here is a short film I came across, which helps set the scene
As a child, the quality of our attachment with our caregivers is crucial. Our early experiences will impact the way we form and behave within future relationships as adults.
The focus of this post will be around secure and insecure attachment styles. A helpful link at the bottom of the page provides more detail relating to the different patterns of attachment [1].
What is a secure attachment?
If a child has a secure attachment with their caregiver, they have had a consistent, supportive and responsive relationship. The child feels safe, comforted and understood when the caregiver responds to their cries and accurately interprets their changing needs. The child learns to explore the world around them with the reassurance from their secure base. They learn to trust other people, regulate stress and difficult emotions, and develop the ability to create meaningful relationships as adults.
Within the book ‘Attachment in Common Sense and Doodles: A Practical Guide’ [2], a useful analogy used to explain how this type of attachment style may manifest in adulthood is:
If someone were to develop a sudden rash or illness, they might want to find out more about it. They might look it up on Google or book a doctor’s appointment. That might make them anxious, and therefore they would want to speak to someone who makes them feel secure, like their husband or parents, in order for them to feel better before they could then go out and deal with those stressors head-on.
What if a child has not had the opportunity to form a secure attachment?
Not every child is lucky enough to experience a secure attachment. There may be many reasons why a child’s needs have not been fully met. For example, the caregiver may have been cold, distant, neglectful, and/or abusive. As a result, the child may operate from a place of fear and fail to understand that loving and secure relationships are possible. This is known as an insecure attachment style. The child develops the belief that people cannot be trusted or relied upon. Children with insecure attachment styles often do not approach others for support during times of need and distress.
An adult with this type of attachment style may struggle to trust others and be emotionally open. This can be through fear of being hurt or rejected. They often seek independence and autonomy and may keep secrets as a way to maintain a sense of control over their independence. If a parent was sometimes present, but sometimes cold and distant, an adult may seek a sense of safety and security within their relationships and may at times, appear ‘’clingy’’. In this circumstance, an adult may seek lots of approval and reassurance from others and in doing so, may take actions that push their partners away.
Let us look back at the analogy used earlier to explain further how this type of attachment style may manifest in adulthood. If someone with an insecure attachment style were to develop a rash of illness, they may avoid discussing it with others, avoid accessing support or medical guidance and keep it to themselves. Alternatively, they may try and seek support from a number of people and be overly dependent on receiving comfort and reassurance from others.
What if a child has repeatedly been exposed to threat and/or trauma?
Children who are repeatedly exposed to threat and/or trauma do not have the kind of safety and protection that they need to regulate stress and difficult emotions. In response to this, the child may struggle to manage aggression and frustration, be impulsive, appear irritable and angry, or experience heightened levels of anxiety. In such situations, children (and the adults they become) will understandably do anything they can to establish some level of self-soothing and self-control.
Let us look at another analogy. If a baby’s cry is met with no response, the baby will start to scream, do anything he/she can to get their needs met. As an adult, a similar reaction may occur. While this may not present as crying and screaming, there are a range of behaviours that we might see. Some of the more extreme responses may include self-harming behaviours, threats or attempts to take their own life, violence and/or substance misuse. Each of these fulfils a similar function to crying; alerting others to the adults need.
What can we do?
Research suggests that if someone is able to manage the problematic aspects of attachment insecurities, their attachment style can gradually change. In life, people encounter different events and experiences that may impact and challenge the beliefs developed during childhood. With time, effort, and intention, people can learn to become more secure in their relationships.
Whether someone wants to learn to manage the problematic aspects of their attachment style, or whether they want to support someone they love or work with, there are things that people can do. This involves:
- Developing awareness of their attachment style so that they can begin to understand their strengths and vulnerabilities in relationships. This may include reflecting on their experiences and behaviours within relationships. Two useful links included at the bottom of the page may help and guide someone to do this [3, 4].
- Becoming more confident in identifying their own emotions. Begin to express and communicate personal needs to others and practice letting others in. Although this may feel uncomfortable at first, learning to be more vulnerable in relationships will make them stronger.
- Developing self-esteem and confidence. This involves taking care of personal needs first. This could include adding in more self-care, practising self-compassion and positive-self talk, as well as eating regularly and getting enough sleep.
- Building a support network. Reviewing the people in their lives. Know who helps and who does not! Spend time with helpful friends, companions and relatives.
- Beginning to develop trusting relationships with others that ‘mirror’ a secure attachment. This includes persistence, consistency, and transparency.
Early experiences and attachments with parents or primary caregivers are vital because they impact how people develop, form, and behave within relationships as adults. This post outlines how children who have secure attachments tend to develop more trusting and fulfilling relationships as adults. For those who have problems within their relationships, figuring out their attachment style and considering how they can become more open, confident and trusting may be the key to positive future relationships.
[1] https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-childhood-trauma-affects-adult-relationships/
[2] Silver, M. (2013). Attachment in common sense and doodles: A practical guide. Jessica Kingsley Publishers. 15-71
